Tuesday, October 31, 2023

P words

 

          Good evening, 919 Gang. A fact: This is the first time we’ve ever had two messages in one day about penises.

 

          ARTHUR SALM writes:

Okay, one more (one final!) tale of higher-ups … interfering:

Sometime in the mid-‘90s Features editor Suzanne Choney gave me an intriguing assignment: Check out what’s behind all these ads for penile enlargement surgery. So I talked to a doctor who performed the surgery, and a couple of patients he suggested I contact. The guys were, unsurprisingly, pleased with the results. But I found some guys who decidedly weren’t.

          The procedure involved, first, severing a tendon that keeps the whole package somewhat aloft, causing everything to hang lower. The guys said their new look made them less self-conscious — in locker rooms! — about their perceived shortcomings. For the second part, the surgeon took fatty tissue from the thigh and injected it around the shaft, making it thicker. So far so good, I guess. But a couple of the patients said that the fat had shifted around and congealed into unsightly, sometimes painful lumps and clumps. They felt deformed.

          It was kind of funny and at the same time very much not, but overall it was pretty damn interesting. I wrote the story straight, dodging (I hoped) all possible double-entendres and anything suggesting wink-wink, nudge-nudge. It was slotted to run out front. I couldn’t imagine how the Art Department would illustrate it … but I never could, for any story, which is why there was no chance I’d ever be in the Art Department.

          Boy, did they nail this one. I can’t remember who came up with the idea, but it was genius. Running next to the story, a photograph of a ruler. Vertical. Life-size — i.e., exactly one foot long on the page. I have to repeat: Genius.

          And here it comes: Karin Winner got wind of it. The fit, I heard, qualified as conniption. The story wasn’t spiked, but it was buried inside. With no refer.

And no art.

 

POSTSCRIPT: Recently The New Yorker ran a piece about present-day penis-enlargement surgery. The new method is to slice the skin of the penis from stern to bow and insert a meshed, plastic sheath, enhancing both length and girth. Again, some happy customers … and again, some horror stories. Ruined lives, even.

          I believe there’s an old saying — something about leaving well enough alone.

 

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          PRESTON TUREGANO writes:

Last Sunday I saw the most outrageous and disgusting movie in my life: "Dicks- the Musical."  Staring Broadway veteran Nathan Lane and Megan Mullally—a.k.a. Karen Walker of the NBC comedy, "Will & Grace." The film is about young adult twins (new to me Aaron Jackson and Joshua Sharp) who realize they are brothers with very large penises who seek their parents, even though mom (Evelyn played by Mullally) and dad (Lane as "Harris") abandoned the boys at an early age. Both men grow up to be successful salesmen of a never defined product and become employees of a sassy in-your-face boss lady played by Megan Thee (cq) Stallion. For some reason current "Saturday Night Live" cast member Bowen Yang is "God" -- flamboyant and bodacious to the max. As for songs, they're harmless and unmemorable. Apparently, the film is based on Jackson and Sharp's off-Broadway musical, "Fu—ing Identical Twins," which they are not by a long shot. Maybe fraternal, but not identical. Lane's character has consoled himself for giving up his boys by adopting two creepy pasty-white doll-size creatures with killer teeth kept in a drape-covered cage. Harris found them in a sewer. Evelyn meanwhile sold her female private parts that can fly. "Dicks- the Musical" is nowhere on any weekend movie box office receipts list I've seen. Save your money and please boycott. As it was, I was the only person in the movie theater. 

          Which brings me to Oct.22 and Martin Scorsese's 3-hour and 26-minute long (WITHOUT AN INTERMISSION!) "The Killers of the Flower Moon" crime saga about hate-filled white people who during the early years of the 20th century systematically attempt to wipe out an entire tribe of native Americans for each victim's share of tribal oil revenue or bank accounts. Like C.B. de Mille does with his epic 1956 re-make of his "The Ten Commandments," Scorsese spouts a pre-film opening message to the audience, yet omits any intermission even though he mentions the movie's running time. I should have stopped by a medical supplies store and bought men's plastic urinal bottles and sold them for $20 or $25 bucks each to needy chaps. Anyway, Scorsese should have cut his magnum opus by at least an hour. Leonardo DiCaprio stars as a nice guy turned bad by truth-challenged "mentor" Robert De Niro. Both men should bow to Lily Gladstone as the calm, cool and usually collected indigenous woman "Mollie" victimized by DiCaprio (her husband) and De Niro. If she doesn't take home an Oscar for her acting, then Scorsese has failed as director. BTW, I waited to potty until the movie was over.

 

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          DANA WILKIE writes:

Apparently, according to these bone-headed marketers, this is how a retired woman looks and behaves: She wears a hideous pink house dress, wears nerdy glasses, looks upkept, and talks in this ad like an ignorant, confused, combative and shrill biddy.

Someone best fire these advertisers -- because they've already lost half their market.

Maybe Cheryl Clark can shed some light on \ what the hell these people were thinking.

https://tinyurl.com/3f3m2akcSo this is how a retiree apparently is supposed to look and behave 

Monday, October 30, 2023

Goodbye, $900

 

          Good evening, 919 Gang. The headlines on the item at the top of Yahoo’s home page caught my eye:

 

“2024 Food Allowance Passed

U.S. citizens over the age of 64 could get $900 to spend on food, groceries, and much more”

 

          I figured I could lie about my age and say I was over 64. Sounded good. And I kept reading:

”Here's the deal: Americans over 64 could now be eligible to get a new Food Allowance Card with an annual spending limit, yet many don't even know it exists.

“This benefit is helping smart seniors get the benefits they deserve and can be used to cover various bills and even groceries.”

 

Sounds promising, but then the cynical newsman checked the fine print at the bottom or the page:

          “Not connected with or endorsed by the US government or any federal program. This site provides referrals to representatives of insurance organizations. By visiting our advertisers website and completing the contact form there or calling the number listed above on our page, you may be directed to a licensed insurance agent who can answer your questions and provide information about various insurance plans.”

 

          Goodbye, $900.

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          PRISCILLA LISTER writes:

Check out this job at The Nature Conservancy: Writer/Producer, California

https://www.linkedin.com/jobs/view/3742816747

Check out this job at San Diego Zoo Wildlife Alliance: Interpretive Writer

https://www.linkedin.com/jobs/view/3744952532

 

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CHERYL CLARK writes

          Jack, to those of you considering not paying your CNA long-term care policy premium and taking the "surrender option,” a.k.a. buyout, I got some distressing news this morning from my accountant.

          If you’ve been deducting your long-term policy premiums on your taxes all these years, the buyout amount would be taxable income.

So you’d be taxed by both state and federal at whatever your tax levels are for the year you take the option.

          It sucks, I know.

          Also, I learned from the California Department of Insurance that it has no authority over the CNA plan.  It is an Illinois plan, regulated by the Illinois Department of Insurance, so that’s our next stop.

 

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ALAN MILLER writes:

          I'm on a roll this week. First the nice note from Arthur Salm, which is much appreciated-- yes our youngest son Greg is a brilliant writer, which is why he is teaching writing, at UC Davis. Second, I always respected and liked Jerry Rife. So happy he's doing so well in Mexico

 

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WALT BARANGER writes:

          Mark Monday’s note about asserting copyright to force Facebook to take action on a hacked account is an old FB canard.

          The misunderstanding arises because most people confuse “copyright” with “rights & permissions,” two related but crucially distinct legal concepts.

          The canard applies only if the copyright holder did not post the material on FB, and the copyright belongs to a third party who is asserting a copyright violation.

Example: If I post a clip from a “Tonight Show With Johnny Carson” on my account or on a FB group without the show’s written permission to do so, they can assert their copyright and upon protest Facebook will remove the video and in its place post a notice that the “content” is no longer available.

          On the other hand, if I post a video of my kids, two things happen:

          1) By creating the video, I own the copyright.

          2) By posting the video in either my account or another account or FB group, under the terms and conditions (known as Facebook Terms of Service) when I signed up with Facebook, I assigned both revocable and irrevocable Rights & Permissions to Facebook to use the video — or any other content I post — in almost any way they see fit.

          Even if I later cancel and delete my FB account, the R&P clause remains in effect for videos that I posted to other accounts or groups.

          To-wit:

          Specifically, when you share, post, or upload content that is covered by intellectual property rights on or in connection with our Products, you grant us a non-exclusive, transferable, sub-licensable, royalty-free, and worldwide license to host, use, distribute, modify, run, copy, publicly perform or display, translate, and create derivative works of your content (consistent with your privacy and application settings). This means, for example, that if you share a photo on Facebook, you give us permission to store, copy, and share it with others (again, consistent with your settings) such as Meta Products or service providers that support those products and services. This license will end when your content is deleted from our systems.

          (See Section 3 of the Terms of Service here: https://www.facebook.com/legal/terms)

          Note the key phrase: "This license will end when your content is deleted from our systems.

          If you are unable to delete the content — perhaps your account was hacked and you can no longer log in — the Terms of Service remain in effect ad infinitum. When you post to certain groups or third-party accounts, the content remains even if you delete your account. You would need to specifically delete each instance of the uploaded content. Farther down in the Terms of Service, FB even tells you that sometimes you will be unable to delete content that you upload.

(As a practical matter, from a rights & permissions point of view it is always better if you share a post from your personal account rather than uploading the content to another account or FB group. Deleting the account would delete the share but not content uploaded directly into a group or other account.)

          Facebook can be real jerks about this clause, since it goes the heart of their business model — you get a free account, but they get to use your content for free in almost any way they wish. This explains why FB is in no hurry to delete hacked accounts, since deleting content is bad for FB’s business.

          Most savvy businesses use social media solely to point users to non-FB web sites. The businesses retain 100% of control over content on their own web sites, even if hyperlinked to FB.

          Facebook’s Machiavellian terms of service look harmless to casual users, but anyone using FB or its kissin' cousins Instagram or Messenger for a business needs to seriously consider whether the FB Rights & Permissions clause is worth its unintended (at least to the business owner) consequences.

          Walt’s advice: Businesses should create web sites separate from Meta/FB/Instagram/Messenger for mission-critical or rights-sensitive content. Mark Zuckerberg is not running a charity, so why donate to him?

 

          REBER: Thank you, walt. I admit I am a member of the great majority of American males who seldom reads anything like rights and permissions.

 

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          MARK MONDAY writes:

Fall is well under way in the Pacific Northwest. It’s now as cold here in Port Angeles as it gets in Phoenix in January or February.

We now wear sweaters just to take Woofie out. Anne found my heavy sweater and jokes I may not get it back. I won’t tell her it’s not my favorite – it’s baggy, shapeless and is an institutional gray. I’m quite happy if she has found something to keep her warm.

In the forest, most of the golden, red, green and purple leaves are gone. Everywhere there is a litter of brown on the rain-greened grass. But that will probably soon be rendered colorless with a blanket of tiny white crystals. November usually brings snow.

We have had our first frost. It wreaked havoc on the garden, but I was expecting that. I’m all in favor letting things go and grow until the last. You never know what will happen. We got a couple of more zucchinis this year because of that philosophy. Moreover, I get to observe what, and what not to do, with pumpkins.

Anne just planted the winter crop of garlic; I’m looking forward to a spring harvest.

In some ways I have been channeling WWII victory gardens, seeing what it is like to raise at least some of your own food. It’s not like we are likely to get the commercial perfection of something sold in a grocery store, but it gives me insight – belated insight – into what my parents and grandparents did to supplement their larders in the ‘30s and ‘40s. And I see fruits and vegetables that must have comprised much of the wartime diet from victory gardens. Yes, we could raise meat animals and find fish up here in Port Angeles but that wouldn’t have been possible in an urban/desert environment like Phoenix.

Living in the Pacific Northwest is a learning experience, for certain.

We just learned that our peregrinating bear, the one that occasionally patrolled these precincts as late as a few weeks ago, will not be hibernating soon. Someone nearby shot him. Maybe it was necessary; maybe it wasn’t. But we have lost a “neighbor.” He was not the kind of grouchy neighbor you invite for Thanksgiving dinner, but I like to think he was the kind of neighbor you may take over a bowl of soup and some cookies – not too close but…

Having seasons – actual seasons – is forcing us to make changes. Spring may be good for house cleaning; autumn is a good time for preparation.

The garage is getting cleaned and prepped for the winter. That hasn’t been a priority for the past two years. This year it is. We are trying to figure out how to arrange two cars, a ride-on mower, all the Christmas decorations and a variety of tools and sports equipment so that it all fits. A chimney in one corner of the garage, a chimney that no longer has an outlet to the roof, is about to be jackhammered out. That will still leave us with the unanswered question: Why would anyone put a wood stove in a garage?

The chimney for the front room fireplace needs its annual check, but the logs and kindling are already in their place, just waiting for a match. This year we’ll probably get the basement fireplace ready for a blaze, another task that hasn’t been a priority for the first two yearss

On the recent visit of our son and daughter-in-law we weather-stripped the doors to the two patios. This winter we aren’t likely to hear the wind whistling through the cracks. That was a priority this year.

Anne has been busy putting up, or cooking, the products of our orchard and garden. We now have jars of blackberry preserves in the pantry; they have been joined by Mason jars of other home-grown products – pears (almost 40 lbs.) and oriental pears (about 20 lbs.). We have dozens of Mason jars of apple butter, apple sauce, and apple cider. There are still bags of apples to be processed and some apples remain on the trees. What we are going to do with them, and when to pick them, is still a question. In the past we dehydrated dozens of them to make apple chips but this crop is too large for any of that foolishness. We’d be working ‘til April if we followed our past practice.

The bird feeders and hummingbird feeders are now full. There are fewer “feathered friends” at this time of year but feeding them is ever-more important.

Night falls earlier. The stars stay blinking longer. There are more chances to glimpse the northern lights. 

The wood and kindling are properly built up in the fireplace, waiting for a match.

In a few weeks the snow will edge the forest pines and firs with white. Anne and I can sit back to watch the burning logs or turn binoculars on ships traveling majestically through the strait. Or maybe take the ferry to Canada.

But right now we are in the middle of fall preparation. It’s now time for putting in the books for winter readings, the mulled cider, the hot chocolate and preparing for a long winter’s night.

 

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          REBER: Oct. 31 is the time for a giant birthday party when we will sing Happy Birthday to Priscilla Lister, Toby McDaniel, Charlie Starr and Kelly Thornton